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March 25, 2008: Great news! A couple of months ago, we
learned that the Tulsa Air and Space Museum was considering an exhibit to
feature Greg, the first Oklahoman buried in space. Several people asked me
to keep them updated, and a few even said they'd like to try and come.
Well, the date's finally on the calendar. Greg's exhibit will officially
open on July 2, 2008 at 2 pm In other news, I've returned to my previous job at Meadowbrook Hospital. Sometimes, the grass isn't greener on the other side. Spring is finally here, and it's getting warm enough to ride our bicycles again. Tulsa was hit hard by the ice storm in January, and they've just finished getting all the limbs picked up from everyone's yards. We lost limbs from six trees, and the redbud will probably need to come down. Our ornamental plum is blooming, and there's a big gap where the branches are gone. Trees are like that all over town, and it looks strange, but it's amazing how many have lived despite the damage, and are beginning to show signs of healing. October 11, 2007: Has it really been that long since I last updated? Time just seems to fly. I still think of Greg every single day, but you know what? I think about my other kids every day, too. At some point this year, I realized that I've thought about them ALL every day of every year, not just Greg. I start a new job next week, and I'm excited. I'll be working in surgery at Cancer Treatment Centers of America. When I was in nursing school, I wanted to work in the OR, then eventually in hospice during my career, but after I graduated, there weren't any openings in the OR, so I ended up in the ICU instead. I loved all five years of it, but after Greg died, I needed to lower my stress level, and went to the inpatient physical rehab unit to hang out until I figured out what I was going to do. I never really intended to leave critical care, but I enjoyed seeing patients get well and go home, so I stayed for six years. This past January, my part-time 2nd job offered me a full time position as charge nurse, so I've been doing that for almost a year now. Around the same time, they changed from being a rehab unit into an LTAC unit (Long Term Acute Care). There wasn't much opportunity for growth there, and I need a change. This is a good opportunity for me, and I feel like I've come full circle. With my love of nursing, my experiences with Greg, my critical care experience, and my experience in helping people get stronger, I feel like I can do a good job in surgery. I feel blessed that they agreed to give me a chance and train me, when they were really looking for someone who was experienced. Everyone there seem so nice. I hope I don't let them down. Grandbaby Logan is 15 months old now, and getting into everything. He's got the cutest curly hair, and he's starting to say a few words, wave, and blow kisses. He went to Bolivia again yesterday, for the fourth time already. This time, he's staying for a few weeks with his other grandparents while Angela and Joseph move. I'm really sad, because they're moving out of state to Missippi. I'm also worried, because she doesn't know anyone there, doesn't know who to trust to babysit, doesn't know who to trust to work on her car, and doesn't know who to trust when she has a problem. Her friends, family, church, and roots are here in Tulsa. I also worry that as Logan grows up, he'll make friends there, which will plant them firmly in Mississippi, never to return. I know it's selfish, because they really need to be together, but since Joseph's not home all the time anyway, I was hoping they could stay in Tulsa, and he could keep commuting from here. In Mississippi, they could be together more often, but Angela would be alone more, at least until she made some connections. Sigh... Nothing new with William. He's either very predictable, or he just doesn't worry his mom with stuff. Actually, he doesn't call or come by very often, but now that he's working around the corner, we do see him more than we used to. Sometimes, he comes by on his lunch break, and it's always nice to see him. He and Amanda don't want kids, and that's okay. They have three cats and are happy. I'm happy for them. Terry and I are still riding our bikes. We didn't get out as much this year as we wanted to, but maybe with my new schedule, we'll be able to get out more. We rode in the MS bike ride last month, and rode in honor of 44 people. We raised a little over $6,000 this year, up from $3,500 last year. We dug a new flower bed in the back yard this summer, and put in a fountain. We've got several tables and chairs out there, so we can have company over. Sometimes, I bring the radio outside, sit in the shade, and just enjoy the flowers, butterflies, and hummingbirds. Life is good. November 18, 2006: Favorite Daughter Angela and Favorite Grandson Happy (AKA Logan) are leaving us in a couple of days. They're going to Bolivia to stay with his other grandparents for a few months. It's springtime there, so they'll get to miss winter altogether. Lucky ducks! Favorite Son-in-law Joseph will be finding them a new home in Memphis while they're gone, and when they get back to the USA, they'll stop here for about a week, and pack up all their stuff, then they'll be moving to Memphis. It's been nice having them stay with us for these past few months, and we're going to miss them. Joseph tried commuting to work, coming here for a couple of days every week or two, but it was just too hard and it wasn't working out very well. Their family needs to be together, so it's time for Angela to go, and it's time for us to let her go. Happy is just now getting to the "cute" stage. At four months old, he's laughing out loud, and smiling all the time. He's discovered his fingers, and learning to grab onto things and hold them. He kicks his feet, but hasn't found them with his hands yet, but he'll be sucking on his toes any time now. He can push up on his elbows, and hold his head up. He can roll over from front to back, and can almost roll from back to front (he tries, but can't quite make it yet). He's big for his age. He's 18 pounds, and fits into 9-12 month size clothes. He's just a little spoiled (okay, a LOT), and he LOVES to be held. He's learned to yell (not cry like he used to, but actually holler out) when he wants to be picked up, like he's having a tantrum. It's hard NOT to be spoiled like that when his bed's been in the same room as Angela's for the past four months. She's constantly been at his side, even when he's in his own bed sleeping. It will be good for them to have their own place, where they'll have more room to spread out, and they can all be together like families should be. We've been in our new house for almost a year now. Last year, we moved in right before Christmas, and everything was in chaos with moving boxes to unpack, and we really didn't have enough time to decorate, even if we'd wanted to. This year, for the first time ever, we're putting Christmas lights on the house. Terry started hanging them today, and I put some in the bushes out front. Our house sits the highest on the neighborhood hill, and you can see it from the highway, so we're going to light it up. Since our street is one of the designated bike routes, I wanted some kind of permanent bike theme decoration in our yard. Terry found a full-sized bike statue that holds five flower baskets, so I started digging a flower bed in the front yard for it. We got some baskets of fake poinsettias to put in it for Christmas, and we'll put something else in the baskets in the spring. August 15, 2006: Wow, has it really been that long since I made an entry? So much has happened since the last time I wrote. Just for the record, I HAVE received copies of all the entries in my guest book, and I treasure every one. If you don't leave an email address, though, or if you don't send me a personal email, then I have no way of knowing how to reach you. When you sign my guest book, I get a copy sent to my email, but it comes "from" my website, not from your email address. It's nice if you want to stay anonymous, some people prefer it that way. I get a lot of spammers who sign it with their junk, but I delete those entries the same day. All the other messages stay. Enough about that, time for an update. Well, where do I begin? On the home front, there's been a whole lotta changes. Angela and William are both married now. Angela and her husband Joseph have a new baby boy, so we're grandparents now! His name is Logan, and he's just absolutely perfect in every way. I love the idea of having a grandbaby, but I'm still not used to taking on the role of "Grandma". I just turned 43, and I feel too young to be a grandma. Terry and I bought our first house last year, after renting for nearly 20 years, and we moved in right before Christmas. We actually celebrated Christmas for a change. With the moving and all, we didn't have a chance to put up any decorations, but we bought a few gifts and had the kids and their spouses over for dinner. My mom and step-dad came to town and stayed with us, so they were there too. It was really nice. The house is wonderful, and we absolutely love it here. It's a split-level house, which is what Terry wanted. I loved that it was right on the on-street bike route. (Even though it's against the law to ride on sidewalks, and cyclists can use any street, there are designated "share the road" routes every few miles throughout the city, with signs to alert drivers to watch out for cyclists. Our house is on one of those routes. Cyclists ride these routes to commute to work, for exercise, or as training on hills.) The house still needs a lot of work, but we've been getting it all put together. We had a few unexpected repairs already that threw a kink into plans, but we're learning to expect the unexpected. So far, we've had two broken water lines, one roof leak, one moldy floor section to replace, the dishwasher went out, there was a rotten floor underneath (not moldy, different area), and 40 feet of fence fell down. Today, the air conditioner went out for the second time. It looks like it may be the blower motor again. Other than that, home ownership has been wonderful! We're still not completely unboxed, but there's a good reason. You see, there's no room, because we had to take a lot of our things out of the guest bedroom, and there's just not enough space to put it all. Angela's husband had to go out of state for several months of job training, so she moved in with us during the last part of her pregnancy. Joseph got to come home for a week, just in time for the baby to be born, and then he went back to finish his training. Angela will stay here a little while longer, until they know where they're going to be living. It's really nice to have this time to spend with her, and to spoil my favorite grandbaby from the get go. William and his wife Amanda have two cats, and don't want kids. At first, I was upset by that decision, but I have come to believe that if someone says they don't want kids, then perhaps it's better if they don't have any. Sure, there's a chance that having kids will change their outlook on parenthood, but there's also a chance that the kids will suffer from having parents who didn't really want them. So, whatever happens will happen, and I will support whatever decision they make in that regard. At work, our physical rehab unit closed in 2004, and we merged with a rehab unit at another hospital, owned by the same company. Since then, we've rarely had enough patients for the staff to work all our scheduled hours, so we've been taking turns for the past two years getting cancelled. I think I've only had half a dozen full paychecks since we went over there. The "feel" of the hospital isn't nearly as friendly as the old place, and I've been thinking about going back for awhile now. One great thing came about last year. Following hurricane Katrina, I was one of seven nurses chosen to go to Baton Rouge to help out in a sister hospital. They were evacuating people from New Orleans, and there was a lot of "subdued chaos", as thousands of people flooded into the city in a state of shock and disbelief. We slept in the hospital on cots and worked wherever they needed us. I worked in the ICU. We got to help for 9 days, and it was quite a memorable experience. Terry's finally quit working for himself (he's a painter), and he got on at my old hospital, so that's even one more reason for me to go back. My good friend Carol, and another friend Mary, have left the rehab unit to work someplace closer to their homes, and another good friend Hazel has been re-diagnosed with breast cancer, and she'll be leaving real soon. She spent the last year in chemo and radiation, came back to work, and got diagnosed all over again. Her spirits are great, better than I think mine would be, but the physical demands of the unit, all the lifting, are just too much for her, and she really needs to transfer to a less-demanding unit. Another friend, Leona, never came to the new hospital, she just went to a different department at the old place. So, all us "buddies" have been split up, one by one, and I guess it's my turn to leave now, too. I'll start looking for open positions at the old place, and put in my transfer request when I see something I like. Terry loves his new job! Working for the hospital is SO much better than being self-employed! He really likes the guys he works with, and the whole atmosphere of the place. His first day, he came home and said "NOW, I understand why you stayed there for so many years." He told me about getting on the elevator, or walking down the hall, and people he didn't even know would stop and say hello. Yep, that's why I stayed, because they're friendly, the teamwork is better, and that's why I'll be going back. We're still cycling and loving every minute of it. This year, we joined "Team Bandaid" and we're getting ready to pedal 150 miles in two days to help raise money for charity. We've never ridden 75 miles in a day, but we're training as much as we can, and even if it takes us all day (and it probably will), we know we can do it. We haven't gotten out to ride as much as we thought we would this year, with the new house, Angela moving in, our new grandbaby, the heat, and everything else going on. If next winter is anywhere near as warm as last winter was, we'll have plenty of opportunities to ride then. This past month has been over 100 degrees almost every day. Whew! It's hot! Can't wait till they get our A/C fixed! There's still not a day that goes by without my thoughts turning to Gregory. I miss him, and wonder what he'd be doing now. He'd be turning 22 at the end of this year. He'd probably be driving, working, dating, possibly even married. Gosh, it's hard to even imagine him with a deep voice. Shaving, I guess he'd be doing that, too. Sounds funny to think about Greg with a beard. I wouldn't recognize him. I prefer thinking of him with Legos and rockets and airplanes, and all the times he asked for the broken appliances, and tore them apart. When he couldn't fix them, then he tried to make something else out of the parts. You know, when we moved out of the rental house last winter, I was STILL finding little tiny screws all over the carpet in his room? I never could get them all vacuumed up. He was so funny, and so smart! I'm finding that now I'm seeing more and more how smart Angela and William are. I guess after Greg died, I kind of ignored them, and let Terry take over most of the parenting for a few years (unfortunately it was during their most crucial teenage years). Losing Greg was harder to deal with than I wanted to admit. Now, I can look back and see how fortunate we were, in that Angela and William turned out okay anyway. They're actually pretty good kids, and I'm so proud of them both. They're responsible, they like their jobs, they worship God, they're respectful, and they don't forget to play. Well, I guess that's enough rambling for now. Thanks for visiting my website, and please take a minute to sign my guest book, will you? December 21, 2004: We decided not to do anything for Christmas this year, mostly because we just don't feel like it, not out of depression like you might think, but more like apathy. (I hope I'm not fooling myself on that one, but I don't FEEL depressed). Angela doesn't live at home anymore, William's hardly ever home, and Greg's dead, so we just don't see any reason to clean, decorate, cook, buy gifts and all that stuff for just ourselves. Angela came and got our tree since we weren't using it, so I'm glad it's getting used after all. I've got to admit, it's nice to not have all the stress that goes along with getting ready for Christmas. We're not worrying about having enough money for presents, shopping center crowds, wrappings and bows, keeping track of stuff to be done, and all that mess. It was fun when the kids were home and younger, because there was the anticipation of Christmas Eve, watching them unwrap the presents and having fun making a mess with wrapping paper. Maybe when we have grandkids, it will be fun again, or at least that's what everyone keeps telling me. We're still riding bikes and getting outside, and having a lot of fun. We joined an outdoor club, and went on a field training course, and learned how to track people in different circumstances, like how to tell if they were running, or carrying something, or walking backwards. It was a lot of fun, and we met some nice people. We ran out of time and didn't get to learn some of the other things that were planned, so they're going to repeat the course and do it over two days, and camp overnight. This group also goes camping, hiking, bird watching, canoeing, and other activities. The people were very warm and friendly, and welcomed us into their group. I think we're going to really enjoy doing more activities with them. We also joined a bicycle club, and went on an overnight camping trip. After setting up our tents, we rode around and looked at Christmas lights. I had just gotten my new shoes with cleats, and the pedals they clip into, and hadn't had a chance to try them out yet. At the first stop light, I got my left foot unclipped, but couldn't get my right foot out. When I jerked my foot to try harder, it pulled me over to the right, and without a foot to catch myself, I fell right over with a "WHOOMP". I landed on my right palm, then my right hip. Thank goodness for the new full-fingered gloves. I only got a bruised palm instead of abrasions. My hip was slightly bruised, and since I have osteopenia (thinning bones which can progress to osteoporosis), I felt fortunate I didn't fracture it. Mostly, I just hurt my pride. Everyone heard me go down, and they turned around to see if I was okay. Getting up, I said "Yeah, thanks, I'm fine. Let's go." No sir, I wasn't going to let them see me being a wimp. I'd just met these people, and the last thing I wanted was to make a bad first impression and be labeled a whiney baby. Later, though, I had to wimp out on a couple of hills. I was slowing down, and losing steam partway up. I was afraid of falling over again, so I just unclipped and walked. Didn't complain, though, just laughed and apologized for making them wait at the top. Back at camp, someone built a small fire, and we sat around and talked for awhile before turning in for the night. It was so cold, we thought we'd never, ever warm up again, and we doubted that our sleeping bags were actually rated to 20 degrees as advertised, because it was in the low 40s and we were still shivering while wearing two layers of pants, three shirts, and a hat. We opened six of those chemical hand warmers, and they helped a little, but not enough. I finally put one under my clothes, and finally got warm enough to sleep. When morning came, we had planned on riding our bikes to town for breakfast before breaking camp. Unfortunately, the rain came with daybreak, and without saying a word, everyone just came out of their tents at the same time, and started packing up. We left first, so I don't know if the others ate together or not. Apart from the rain and the cold, we had a great time, and would definitely do it again, only with a couple of extra blankets. The Christmas lights were absolutely gorgeous, and it was so much fun riding at night. It felt safer riding in a group, as cars were more likely to see us. Our new lights weren't as bright as we would have liked, but we can get something else later, they'll do for now. I've had a little practice with the cleats since then, and haven't walked any more hills. I'm learning to pull on the pedals, not just push, so I think I'm starting to get the hang of them. We've gone on a couple more night rides since then, once with the group around town, and once just the two of us, looking at Christmas lights here in town. Boy, we really saw some NICE ones, too! Whole neighborhoods were decorated with the most colorful and varied assortment of lights and decorations that I think I've ever seen. I rode on my own one day, when Terry's knee was bothering him. It was blustery cold and windy, so when I turned back into the wind and hills, I called Terry to pick me up. I'd already ridden over 16 miles, and it would be getting dark soon, so I just called him for a ride. He was already prepared to be my personal sag wagon, and had the bike rack on the car, so in a matter of minutes, I was home again. That was a nice bike ride, because I got to ride as far as I wanted, at my own pace, and could choose the route as I went. It was strange not to ride with Terry, though, and I wouldn't want to do it every time. I do hope I can get a lot of miles under me over the winter and spring, so I can tolerate the distances and heat in the summer. I want to go on some of the longer, overnight rides, and hope to have the stamina and strength to do them. On the job front, the new (for me) rehab unit is still going under changes, with a new manager coming in, and associated changes in the unit. She's moving things around and making changes to the schedule. We're still overstaffed, and still getting our shifts cancelled. My last pay period was the first one I've worked in the past three months without getting cancelled at least once. A couple of the nurses that came over from our old rehab unit have already quit, and another nurse has found a second job. She'll probably quit after Christmas, and I'm sad that we won't be working together anymore, because she's really been a true friend to me over the past four years. I'm happy for her, though, because her new job sounds so much nicer, and she loves it there, and it's closer to her home. It's also doing the kind of work she loves (hospice). If I had another car, I'd go to work with her. Even in nursing school, I said that at sometime during my nursing career, I'd want to work in hospice. After Greg died, twice I applied for hospice jobs, and both times I was hired, but both times, I changed my mind and declined the jobs. Partly, because I loved the people I worked with in rehab, partly because it paid less, and partly because it was too soon after Greg's death and I wasn't ready yet. I'm ready now, and I'm making less now (since my shifts are being cancelled), so it would be a good time to go, but we only have one car, so I don't know if we could manage it or not. I got a job at another facility, a long term acute care hospital, but I'm having second thoughts about it. I can't put my finger on it, but it just doesn't feel like the right fit for me. They hired me to work part time, just one day per pay period, to help offset the days I'm getting cancelled at the rehab unit, but they said they wanted me to change my mind and work there full time. I'm going to finish orientation before I make any kind of decision. I didn't think I'd like rehab either, until after I started working there, and then I loved it, so who knows, I may end up loving this job, too. I'll keep an open mind. I'm still making embroidery designs to sell on my other website. I haven't really been spending a lot of time on new designs, partly because of my work schedule, and partly because I'm having too much fun riding bikes, but mostly because I just get too distracted and start reading email and doing other things. I guess if I was doing it for someone else, I would be more self-disciplined, but since I don't have any deadlines or anyone else to answer to, then I just do it when I feel like it, and don't feel pressured by anyone to meet quotas or deadlines. It's kind of nice that way. I don't make much money that way, but I get a little spending money once in awhile, so whenever I do get two or three sales, it's nice to treat myself or Terry to a new cycling jersey, or maybe a dinner date. It's a big website, and I think my customers would be surprised if they only knew how little I actually sell. LOL! That's what I get for not swamping the embroidery groups with pimp ads like some of the other website owners do. Well, that's about all I can think of that's going on around here. Life's full of changes, and we're dealing with ours satisfactorily. Thank you all for visiting my website, and I hope everyone has a nice Christmas, and that you and your families are blessed during the coming year. October 12, 2004: Has it already been another year? Time goes so fast sometimes. I still think about Greg every single day, and I suppose I always will, but the thoughts and memories don't consume my days like they did at first. I would have to describe this past year as the year of change. There have been major changes in my work and personal life, mostly good. At work, they first cut our inpatient physical rehab unit in half, and gave half of the floor the the pediatric unit. We got a new manager, then they did away with her position, so we didn't have a manager at all, and we pretty much managed ourselves, only having someone distant to go to if there was a major problem. That worked for several months, then the hospital was sold, and the new owners decided to close our unit and merge us with a different rehab unit at another hospital. Most of the nurses, aids, and therapists moved to the other hospital, choosing to stay together, as we made a good team and loved the kind of work we were doing. We just finished orientation, and started taking patient teams three weeks ago. They're overstaffed now that most of us are there, and we're all having to take turns getting our shifts cancelled, which isn't good. We had become accustomed to getting one day of overtime each pay period, and now we're getting less than full time, so it really hurts the pocketbook. The new computer system is getting easier. The unit itself is much larger and nicer than the one we had before, and the people seem pretty nice too. They didn't ask for us to come into their territory any more than we didn't ask to be moved, but they seem to understand, and they're treating us nice and taking it well. I think we're going to like it there. My personal life has gone through some changes, too. Terry and I have continued going out on dates, and our marriage seems to be stronger than ever. I moved the computer out of the sewing room and brought it in the living room, so I can work on making embroidery designs, or answer emails, while I talk with him. The change seems so mundane, but it has really made a difference in our relationship. When it was in the other room, I would get annoyed when he interrupted my train of thought, and I was transferring my annoyance back to him, and in response, he would get angry and frustrated with me. Now, I EXPECT to talk with him, so when I'm doing something and he says something to me, I just look up and we talk, then I go back to what I was doing. I also make sure to turn it off sometimes, and not worry about being online as much as I used to. I guess you could say that I put my marriage before my embroidery business, and even though my sales have gone down, I don't regret it one bit, because our marriage has grown stronger. We decided to take up bicycling this year. Terry got a bike in March, when our local bike store went out of business, and I decided to fix up my old Schwinn. It didn't take long to realize my old bike weighed way too much to be able to ride for long, so I got a new bike in July. We just rode in our first organized bicycle / camping ride this past weekend, and we learned a few dos and don'ts. For one thing, we learned that Terry has the wrong kind of bike for long rides, so we'll probably start looking for another bike for him, so we can do more rides next year. We had a wonderful time, though. It rained all the way there and all the way back, but the weather in between was perfect. The people were nice, the bathrooms were close by, the showers were warm, the food was great, the cell phone reception was good, we didn't have any car or bike problems, and we had a wonderful time. It was good for us to get away for a few days, and it's good to be home again. Gregory got a new mountain bike the year before he died, and he liked to ride it around. He wasn't very active and probably wouldn't have wanted to do something like that, but I'll bet he would have been happy to know that we went riding and had a good time. I hope the next year is another good one. If money was no object, we'd like to take a cruise for our anniversary, take a couple of trips to visit our parents, and go on a few bike rides during the next year. November 22, 2003: Yet another year is past, and still, I think of Greg every day. Mostly, just passing thoughts, wishing he were still here, wondering what kind of person he'd be like. He would have graduated last spring, and might be going to college now, or might be working at some fast food job, or dating some nice girl, or just sitting at home playing video games and watching comedies. I can't even imagine Greg's voice if it had matured. Ha!!! I can't even imagine Greg if HE had matured! He was such a comedian, always laughing and cutting up! (I guess I taught him well, eh? LOL!) If he were still here, he'd be getting ready to celebrate his 19th birthday next month. Maybe more people than just Joey would have come to his party this time. Joey was the only one who ever showed up, and he came every year. You know, Joey still remembers Greg, too. September 14th was the 4th anniversary of Greg's death, and Terry and I went to the cemetery to visit Greg's grave, and we learned that Joey had come home from college and he visited Greg's grave too. Angela and William also went, at separate times. It's nice to know that Greg hasn't been forgotten. I've been thinking about going back out there and planting some more flower bulbs. I want to put some in the middle or back of the grave, because the ones around the headstone always get squashed by everyone else's flower pots. Actually, nobody puts flower pots on Greg's grave, it's the flowers on Dad's grave next to it that get squashed, but I planted matching bulbs on both of them, meaning same sizes and placement. Dad's flowers are red, white, and blue, though, and Greg's flowers are yellow. One of my Dad's relatives is the one who puts a flower pot on his grave every now and then. Anyway, I don't know if I'll get out there or not. I've been sick for the past couple of weeks, and the weather is getting ready to turn really nasty in a day or two, so I might not make it out there any time soon. Well, I did something really .... I don't know what adjective to use here. Anyway, I lost my vial of Greg's ashes that I carried in my pocket. (Yes, I still carry it from time to time. I had gotten a tiny pill capsule shaped vial that had another little plastic vial inside. It was just perfect, and the small size felt comforting in my hand, and I didn't have to take it out of my pocket. Whenever I wanted, I could put my hand in my pocket and hold Greg's ashes. Sometimes, I'd "think" to Greg and "say" things like "I miss you, Kiddo", or "Betcha never thought you'd see this, huh?", or stuff like that. Just mundane stuff, but it made me feel like Greg was with me, I guess.) I backtracked, and know what day I lost it and where I was that day, but still can't find it. I had gone to the hospital that day for a test, and think it may have fallen out of my pocket while I was there. I didn't realize it was gone until the next day, though, so the housekeepers probably found it and threw it away. Anyway, that's what I think happened to it. I still have his "for the house" ashes here, so I will keep my eyes out for a new pocket vial. I'm still looking for the "perfect" urn for the house, too. I'd like to find a Curious George rocket cookie jar. Well, enough about graveyards and urns. Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner, and for the first time, we actually feel like celebrating the holiday season. We've got a few decorations up, and have some preliminary plans made with our families. The first Christmas, Greg had just died, and we went to California to watch the launch just a few days before Christmas. We didn't feel like putting up a tree or buying presents. The second year, we put up the tree, but didn't decorate it. The next year, we put up the tree, did a few measly decorations, and bought one present for each kid. Last year was chaotic, Angela had moved out, William had moved back home, and we didn't do anything. Things have settled down some this year, so we'll see how things turn out. Terry and I have started dating again, and have been going out to eat dinner, or going to movies together. It feels good to have a little fun again. I'm still working in the rehab unit, and still enjoying my job, my patients, and especially the people I work with. We have a new boss now, and she's pretty nice. They're tearing the place up at the moment, doing a bunch of remodeling. They took away half our unit, and moved the pediatric unit down there. That squashed us all up, and we still haven't found places to put everything. It will be nice when it's all put back together again. In the meantime, we got new paint and tile, and are getting ready to get a new nursing station, so that's pretty nice. 8~) October 12, 2002: Another year has gone by. That's three years and 28 days now, but who's counting? I still miss Greg like crazy at times, and other times it all seems so very long ago and far away. I still check here from time to time to see if anyone's signed the guest book. I guess I like to think someone's getting something good out of all this. It really helps me feel like maybe it's all worthwhile when I hear that Greg's story has touched someone's life, or that someone was able to use our info to help them in school. Did anyone read the letter from Mason Camps? He signed the guest book January 18, 2000, just before he turned 15. I wrote Mason back, and we exchanged probably only 4-5 letters, because he didn't usually feel like writing, and often didn't have the opportunity. He told me he had relapsed, and was getting ready to have a bone marrow transplant. He was tired of fighting, and didn't want to die, but if was going to die, he didn't want to die in a hospital like Greg did. He was afraid to tell his Mom, because he thought she would think he was wanting to commit suicide, which he clearly believed was sinful. He didn't want to die, he just didn't want to keep fighting if it was hopeless, but he was afraid to approach his mother about it. I encouraged him to talk with the nurses and doctors, and have them approach his mother. I told him what a living will was, which is also called an advanced directive, and emailed him a copy of one from his own state, so he could see what it was all about. I told him that the worst thing a parent could ever face is the loss of their child. It's bad enough to lose a child, I told him, but it's even worse if the parent spends the rest of their life questioning whether or not they did the right thing, by turning off a ventilator. I encouraged him to make that decision himself, instead of forcing his Mom to struggle with that question, and possible guilt, for the rest of her life. He wrote back and told me that the nurses did talk to his mother, and he was glad it was out in the open. After that, his mom was in a near-fatal car crash, and his grandparents had to take care of him. His mom was released from the hospital just before his transplant. His cousin wrote once, answering Mason's email for him, and all he said was that Mason had been admitted for the transplant. He said he'd let him know I'd written. I never heard from Mason again. I emailed several times, and never got a reply. I feel certain that Mason died. At the time Mason signed my guest book, I was considering taking down this website. I was thinking that Greg's story was over, and had that "Now what?" question lingering in my head. At that point, the website seemed like it was just for me, and didn't have any logical ending point. When Mason wrote, I realized that maybe some good could still come from Greg's story, so I decided to leave the website up. I have no clue how many people have visited, but it's all worthwhile, just to know that even one life has been touched. Well, on a personal level, here's what's going on with us. William and Angela have moved out. We're still going through some separation pains with Angela, who's move has been the most recent, but I'm sure it will work out. I'm still not smoking, and I still haven't cheated with that. I lost about 12 of the extra pounds I'd gained, and wouldn't mind losing about 5-10 more, but I won't complain too loud if I don't. I'm eating a little healthier, but not really doing any exercise. Terry and I are doing okay. We've gone to some counseling, and probably should have kept going. We may still go back. They say that 75-95% of all marriages end in divorce within 5 years of the death of a child. Often, one parent turns their depression inward, and becomes unable to carry on responsibilities, like housework, cooking, cleaning, and paying bills. The other parent has to take up the slack, and has the added responsibilities, as well as grief. Neither one is able to effectively console the other, because they need consoling themselves. The partner who is doing the extra work becomes bitter towards the partner who is frozen in grief, the other partner becomes even more depressed, and a cycle develops with a pattern of behaviors and emotions. We've certainly had our stress points tested, but so far, we're surviving. We haven't worked out all our problems, but we're talking more openly, and not letting things build up or get ignored like we used to, so we've gotten some good out of the counseling. We still have some of the same old behavior patterns, but now we recognize the patterns when we do things, and we're able to discuss it. We both know that we can't be the family we used to be, but I feel fortunate that we both want our marriage to survive and grow, and we're both committed to making things work out. I got in trouble at work several months ago, and I'm still angry over it. A patient, who's son had a terminal condition, wanted to talk about death and dying. In the course of the conversation, I told her about Greg, and she asked about cremation, and the cremation process. She also asked to see my vial of Greg's ashes. I don't always bring them to work, but I had them in my bag that night, so I got the vial and showed them to her. She opened it, touched it, smelled it, and asked lots of questions. The next day, she complained to the doctor that I "freaked her out, waving those ashes around". It turned out that the patient wanted an excuse to leave the hospital without incurring a bill, so she was looking for an excuse to threaten a lawsuit. The part that makes me the most angry is the way my boss handled it. I was reprimanded, because she said I opened the hospital up for liability. What really made me mad, though, was when my boss chastised me for having Greg's ashes with me. She said "I knew you needed them to help you cope at first, but I thought you'd be past that by now." She said that it was unusual behavior to carry a vial of ashes, and said I'd be fired if I brought them back to work again. She's obviously never familiarized herself with cremation and urns, or she'd see all the necklace urns and pocket urns that are for sale. Maybe she's never questioned it when she's seen someone wearing one. It's not right that I should have been reprimanded because she was uncomfortable with the topic. At the time, I felt that if I tried to educate her, I'd just make her angry, and worsen my own situation, so I just let it go. I'm still upset about it, though. July 23, 2001: Wow, this year has really flown by! I've stayed super busy, working hard on my embroidery stuff, and having a wonderful time! I'm still not smoking, and haven't cheated once. I've also put on 30-35 pounds since I quit, but I was too scrawny anyway, and the weight gain has finally leveled off, so I guess I'm okay with that. I know this is going to sound strange, but I dreamed about Greg the other night for the first time since he died. In the dream, he was 16 and driving. His voice hadn't changed yet, but he didn't have speech problems anymore. We needed to go someplace, and Greg said "Come on, I'll drive." He did a good job, and I wasn't nervous with him behind the wheel at all. He paid attention to other drivers, used his signals, and drove defensively. We got there safely, and the dream was over. What's funny about this is that you should have seen Greg when he used to play Nintendo games. He was all over the track, driving backwards down the track, crashing into cars head-on, driving off the road altogether and driving across the hills, and making all kinds of crashing sound effects. He would have been 16 by now, and probably would have been driving. Anyway, it was a "feel good" dream, and I'm glad I had it. Our family continues to be "different" than we were before Greg's death We had become distant with each other, but we've started moving towards each other again in some ways, while at the same time Angela and William are moving away in other ways that are normal for teenagers. All in all, it's better than it was a year ago. We're all making goals and plans again, so we all have things to look forward to and to work on. Angela and William are making college plans, and Terry is starting to help me out with shipping samples and embroidery supplies to my customers. My birthday is next week. I wonder what I'll do that day? Hmmm... December 17, 2000: It's been almost a year since they launched Greg's ashes into space. I've been busy this past year working on getting a machine embroidery business going, and feel like I've become familiar with the equipment and software, and have made a lot of friends in the embroidery community. My website's had a lot of visitors, and I've started trying to sell some designs. I've also stitched out some embroidery orders, for a few people and a few businesses. I'm learning as I go, and I'm having fun with it. Over the past year, I've noticed some changes in myself. This embroidery was something I wanted to do as a hobby before Greg was ever diagnosed, but couldn't afford it at the time. After he died, I didn't even care about it anymore. I didn't care about anything. I didn't want to leave the house, talk on the phone, have company, or anything else. Terry bought me the machine anyway, trying to help me regain interest in something. In the past year, I feel like my outlook has changed tremendously. I've used the website and the e-mail to make friends and reach out to other people. I've used the embroidery software and the website to be creative and "give something from myself". I've gone from "Leave me alone, I don't care." to "Would you like some help with that?" I initiate conversations again, I'm having fun again, and I look forward to things again. No, I'm not the same person I was before, and I probably don't have the zest and fervor I once had for things, but I have to admit that things aren't quite as hard-hitting as they were when Greg first died. I still talk about him every day, and I still relate things to him every day. Things like "Oh, Greg would have liked that", or "That reminds me of the time...". Perhaps even this is passing, because I don't see Greg in everything anymore, just in half the things. Ok, maybe a third of the things. He would be taking finals next week if he were still here, just finishing up driver's ed. New Year's Eve would have been his 16th birthday, so I guess his voice would have changed by now. That's hard for me to even imagine! He always said he was going to buy a van so he could live in the driveway and would never have to move away from home. I teased him once after he was diagnosed, and told him if he survived, I'd buy him an RV, and make the driveway bigger. I'd like to fire off a rocket on his birthday, like we did last year. Hope the weather will cooperate. October 9, 2000: It's been just over a year since Greg died, and life's beginning to take on some normalcy in some respects, though some things will never be the same again. We quit eating together at the dinner table, something we'd always done. Greg used to be the first one to say the prayer, so maybe that's a subconscious reason we don't do it anymore. Also, Angela's graduated, and her and William are both working now, so their schedules have changed a lot, and we're hardly here at the same time anymore. Sometimes, I carry a small vial of Greg's ashes with me, and I'm finding it brings me comfort. I keep it in my pocket, and when I'm having a rough time, I hold it in my hand and feel it warm up, and I think "I miss you, little buddy." When I feel a craving for a cigarette, I think "These ashes are the only ones I want." When I'm feeling goofy, I think "You sure are behaving well today. Wanna go to work with me? Ok, but you can't get on the computer." Greg was such a clown, he would have laughed at that. I think we're all "settling down" in our own ways since his death, and we've all come to terms with things in our own ways. We're not the close family we once were, and though we've grown distant, it feels like we're starting to move together again. We've been talking more to each other the past couple of months, and making more concessions with each other. It feels good to be talking more and sharing more. We're also started making some plans again, something we haven't done in a long time. Someone asked if we'd go through with the transplant again if we knew the outcome. Definitely we would. It was the only option, and the only chance Greg had for survival. He wanted to try as long as there was even a glimmer of hope for survival, and he wanted to die quickly and painlessly if there was absolutely no hope. I'm glad that's the way it was for him, as much as was possible. Greg made the choice to have the transplant, and we backed him all the way, and we'd do it again. If he hadn't had the transplant, he would have still died, but it would have been a different way that would have been more uncomfortable for him. God knows all things, and someday, he'll make all these things clear to us. August 24, 2000: I did it! I quit smoking! A year late, but I finally kept my promise to Greg, to quit on August 10th. Terry quit about 3 and a half years ago, and he's been wanting me to quit also. When I was a teenager, Dad used to crush up my packs whenever he'd find them. August 9th, just before midnight, I had my last cigarette. At 11:59, I put it out and said "That's for you, Greg". Then, I crushed up the almost-full pack, and said "That's for you, Dad". As I threw them into the trash, I said "That's for you, Terry". It hasn't been easy, but every time I have a strong craving, I remind myself that what I'm feeling is nothing compared to what Greg had to endure, and he didn't have a choice. If he could go through that, then I can surely do this. Anyway, it's been 2 weeks without a cigarette now, and I didn't think I'd ever see the day I'd be able to say that. It's a good feeling. We had a family meeting last night, to discuss Greg's death, and the impact it's had on us as a family. The kids say I've withdrawn too much into the computer, not giving them enough time, but admitting they don't blame me for doing so. They also admit they've gone their own separate ways more than they had before, so basically, the four of us have gone North, South, East, and West, living our lives in different directions from each other. I'm sure part of it is the inevitable changes associated with the teenage years, and learning to let go as a parent, but I'm not sure how much of it is attributed to Greg's absence. It probably doesn't help any that I'm still working nights and sleeping days. August 3, 2000: A year ago today, Greg started the radiation for the transplant; the radiation we later learned would be the cause of his death. I crossed paths with a pathologist one day recently, and he asked about Greg's pathology report. After asking more and more questions, he told me that it sounded like some things could have been done differently and Greg might not necessarily have died. I won't go into the details here, but it certainly didn't make me feel very good to hear that. Anyway, this time last year, we were in the OK City hospital, worried and hopeful, looking forward to when Greg would soon be well again. I've been crying on and off the past few days, thinking back to that time. I'm sure that will ease with time, as everyone tells me the first year is the hardest. Well, that year's almost over, and I expect the next couple of months will be rough, but "this too shall pass". I've been doing okay emotionally since Mother's day passed, and it seems like certain dates are the triggers for my worst days, although I still think about him and miss him every day. I promised Greg last year that I'd quit smoking, and I never did. Well, I'm REALLY trying to quit now, and I'm going to do it by August 10, no matter what. May 8, 2000: Angela graduates tonight, the first of the kids. We just came back from her senior class "review of the years". William will be a senior next year, and then he'll be graduating too. It makes me realize how fast they're growing up. It also makes me sad that Greg couldn't grow up to graduate and become an adult. There's a Mother's day card that all the kids gave me 2 years ago, that folded out to become a big 11x17 poster. I had taped it to the doorway going from the kitchen into the laundry room, and just never wanted to take it down. Last night, the tape loosened, and the top part of the poster was hanging down. I went to hang it up again, and I saw Greg's signature there. I started crying when I realized that was the last Mother's day card he'd ever given me, as he was too sick for any of us to even think much about it last year. He had just come home from the hospital, and just having him home was the greatest Mother's Day gift of all. I'm not looking forward to Mother's day this year. I got through Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, and Easter okay, but somehow, thinking about spending this coming Mother's Day with part of my family missing, seems to be hurting the worst. Just when I thought life was normalizing, it starts to hurt again, and I don't know why it's happening now, after all these months. I thought my "bad days" had gone by the wayside. Maybe it's just a lot of stress that's been building up, now finally being released. After returning to work in the ICU, I'd thought I could do okay, but after a few stubborn months of denial, I finally realized that it was just not the right thing for me to be doing right now, after all we'd been through this past year. I talked with my boss last week, and he helped me to get a transfer to start working in the physical rehab unit this week. My new boss seems really nice, and I'm looking forward to working there.
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Sign my guest book! www dot gregsleukemiajournal dot com
forward- slash guest dot htm Richard Simpson is Greg's bone marrow donor Assistance with the web pages was provided by
George Kasica, The Celestis Foundation is seeking your support to offset some of the costs of fulfilling Greg Brown's dream of space flight. Contributions of any amount will help the Foundation to continue the Honorary Commemorative Spaceflight program on the next Celestis launch. Your contribution is not tax deductible, but is greatly appreciated. Please send your contributions to: The Greg Brown Fund All contributions is excess of actual launch related expenses will be donated to the National Marrow Donor Program.
Jill E. McGovern, PH.D. Send us E-Mail! gregb at netwrx1.net Last Updated: 02/11/2009 19:01 |
